Today we visit with that intrepid of authors, Mrs. Wigglebottom as she shares her latest tawdry adventure:
and the Balloon that Gets About
by Being Filled with Heat and Water
Mrs Wigglebottom had a very important meeting to attend. Because she was an important person. Even though she was a lady, and living in the time period she lived in where women; which is what she was; were not thought of as being very important at all. But, Mrs. Wigglebottom was special. She was special because she is smart. She is a smart lady, with a nice figure. And everyone knows that if ladies are smart they are not normal women at all. Nor are they men either. Because she was not born with parts that would have made her a man, or even a boy. So she must suffer through being a lady, even if she is a lady-woman with a good figure and a fine brain. That is by saying she had a fine brain that she is smart. With a good body.
Mrs. Wigglebottom felt daunted with the task ahead of her. Daunted is a word that someone smart like her would have used, it is in the dictionary before “haunted” but shortly after “dairy”. If Mrs. Wigglebottom had been a cow she would not have to need to worry about her important meeting at all. However, she was a lady, and she was indeed very worried and extremely daunted by her upcoming very important meeting. She felt so daunted or scared, unsettled, afraid, intimidated about her task/meeting that she decided to hire or take on an assistant. The assistant was arriving today and Mrs. Wigglebottom would have to get her up to speed if she was to make her task-meeting.
Noticed that we said “she”? Yes! Surprise! Mrs. Wigglebottom’s assistant was another LADY!!!! Mrs. Wigglebottom would hardly contain her excitement about meeting the new assistant. She thought of different ways to stage there meeting and thought it would be best to do something dramatic. Because Mrs. Wigglebottom is British. That is in England somewhere, where they do things dramatic all the time and put it on Masterpeice theater. Only Mrs Wigglebottom would not have seen it because she lived in a time before teevees.
Though they did have lots of neat inventions because she lived in a time period where different things may or may not have been invented yet because they used steam and cogs to make things work instead of power and gas like we do now. Plus she lived in Englishland where they got things way after Americans did. So she may not have seen teevee for a long time anyways.
Mrs. Wigglebottom booked passage for her and her new companion to meet on the great airship “The Fancy Pantsy”. It was a balloon. A balloon that used steam so get around. Steam and gears, and probably air. It is really hard to tell exactly how the ship worked because the makers are so secretive about it, they don’t want the world to know. Or YOU to know. Which I bet makes you pretty curious. It does Mrs Wigglebottom too. Her secret mission is to get the plans of the ship. But we should not talk about that yet because that will be told when she has her meeting later on and we are not supposed to know about it, yet. But I was so excited about it I had to tell someone.
“The Fancy Pantsy” is big enough to hold a lot of people. But small enough to fly in the air and get around pretty well for a giant balloon full of people. One might call it a “Zeppelin” but everyone knows that those things don’t fly because they are made of lead and very, very heavy. They probably make very nice balloon shaped doorstoppers. “The Fancy Pantsy” was the pride and joy of Col. Brigadeer Leftbridge Rightman. The Col. was the owner and operator of the “Fancy Pantsy” and he was also the president, of the company that owned the plans for the ship. The plans that Mrs. Wigglebottom are supposed to steal, but we don’t know that yet. The Col. was a great admirer of Mrs. Wigglebottom and there was a time that she may have been called Mrs. Rightman. Not because the two of them are related, but because she wanted to marry the Col. but he turned her down because he was an Army man and felt that he could not share her with his whole troupe, though Mrs. Wigglebottom was not complaining about that possibility at all.
Once on board, Mrs. Wigglebottom moved quietly through the throngs of people. A throng is when there are a lot of people together but not as many as a horde, no matter what MS Word says. Besides these people are alive and not dead so they cannot be a horde. But rest assured if they were dead, Mrs. Wigglebottom would get to the bottom of that mystery toot sweet!
She searched the crowd for her new assistant/companion. The lady said she would be wearing a red carnation. That is something that people do when they meet each other for the first time and they want to make is special. Mrs. Wigglebottom felt this meeting was going to be very special and that soon they would be having dinner because it had been such a long time since lunch and she was getting very, very hungry. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a red carnation.
She went up to the woman with a broad smile and asked: “Miss Fussybuttons?”
The lady nodded and they became fast friends.
Mrs. Wigglebottom lives in England, where they eat strange foods and talk in funny accents. She has three cats, all named Jim, and dosen't know how to drive because she is a Victorian and they don't have vehicles in her time period yet. Sometimes she forgets her first name, and is fairly sure she never married so there is no Mr. Wigglebottom. She just likes how the Mrs. in Mrs. Wigglebottom sounds when folks say her name aloud.
You can't find her on the web because she is Victorian, and they don't have silly things like the interwebs yet, remember?